Saturday, 30 January 2010

So..I moved back home

ItalicSo East London was not good for the depressive. I was self harming and not talking to anyone. I was being argumentive and could not deal with anything..So what I did was run back at my Mama and cry on her shoulder about how life was mean and cruel and I was unable to deal with it.

I know. It was bad.



The worst thing for me in dealing with depression is the fact I am smart enough to know that it is only a chemical in my brain making me feel suicidal. I know that I have a lot to look forward to, and be grateful for.
  • I have great friends who would look after me, and like my company
  • A mother with depression who knows and can offer support and advice
  • An okie choice in career, even if I don't like it (Can fall back on Nursing..no matter what..)
  • Intelligence and charm that makes it easy to get on with people and make friends or lovers
  • A supportive Boyfriend who does try to understand
  • Opportunities to do whatever I like
  • A job to go back to that pays reasonable well
It still does not make much of a difference. Somedays Iwalk to the top of my road and wish I had the courage to end it all. There are many reasons why people would argue against it. It does not matter. I feel I should not have to justify my feelings.

At least it is getting slowly better. I don't feel as bad and Iam looking forward to going back to finish off my course.

It was horrible to fail A and E. It was horrible to have to move from Benthnal Green and Then from Stepney. It was horrible finding out my Uncle died, and family history and breaking up with John. It was horrible going on benefits and feeling a failure for not working. It was not good laying around the house ripping my skin til the blood came out or hiding from everyone. It was horrible having to move back to my Mama's and lying to people that I am something I am not (a Catholic Nurse who is moving up in the career ladder..)



I really hope the worst is over and I finally get some more happiness in my life :(

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